- Athens Olympics -
The Soccer Stadium is Now Complete
Take
your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person can't.
This
is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now
go back and read the THIRD word
in each line from the top down
Harold
Shipman
Harold Shipman will be sadly missed by the remaining members
of the prison boxing team - apparently he had a lethal jab.
Hollywood
have jumped on the news that Harold Shipman has killed himself.
They have announced that a new film will be made detailing his
life as a mass murderer. The lead role will be played by Robert
DiNero. It's going to be called "The Old Dear Hunter".
Killer
doctor Harold Shipman has died after being found hanging in
his cell. A prison spokesman said Shipman had simply run out
of patience.
William
Gallas appears not to be as other men.
From the Chelsea Web Site: Chelsea doctor Neil Frazer believes
that William Gallas' injury from the Besiktas game is
not serious and he could be fit for our next match at Birmingham.
"We were quite worried about him obviously when he came off
the pitch in the Besiktas game" Doctor Frazer has told
Chelsea TV.
"He had an MRI scan and an x-ray, which were not terribly helpful
in telling us whether he'd got a very small crack or not.
He had another investigation, a bone scan, on Monday, and
that shows that essentially he hasn't got a crack."
A woman
sitting at a restaurant in McKinney, Texas suddenly began to cough
while eating a giant country-fried steak. After a few seconds
it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two cowboys
at the next table turned to look at her. "Kin ya swaller? asked
one of the cowboys. The woman signaled 'No', desperately shaking
her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asked the other. The woman, beginning
to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.' With that, the first
cowboy walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, yanked
down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's
butt crack. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that
the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breath
again. The cowboy slowly walked back over to his table and proudly
took another drink of his Lone Star beer. His partner said in
admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver,
but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
Rugby
World Cup 2003
Pre
Match Rituals
Following
complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed
to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their
games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals
of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee
has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:
a.
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in
the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about
how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how
it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the
best team in the world.
b.
The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before
smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
c.
The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half
performing a Riverdance, while the northerners march the Traditional
route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents
dressing room.
d.
Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh
suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.
e.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition
territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then
be forcibly removed by the match stewards.
f.
Two members of the South African team will claim to be more
important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between
the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
g.
The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future
years they will amend the records to show that they were in
fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood
will make a film call 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.
h.
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold
the rest of the team to ransom.
An
Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver
walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having
seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything
like this in my life. I don't know what it is." While the boy
and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in
a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then
the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls
opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde
woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Two
buddies, Ralph and Mick Freeman, are getting very drunk at a bar
when suddenly Mick throws up all over himself. "Oh, no.
Now Karen will kill me!"
Ralph says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
pocket, tell Karen that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty
dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple
of hours and got even drunker.
Eventually
Mick rolls into home and his wife Karen starts to give him a
bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so
as not to slur, Mick says, "Now wain aminit, I can e'splain
everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple
drinks. But this other guy got sick on me...he'd had one too
many and he just couldn't hold his ale. He said he was very
sorry an' gave me twenty notes for the cleaning bill!"
Karen
looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty quid."
"Oh,
yeah...I almos' forgot, he sh!t in my pants, too."
Ian
came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on
the TV, and said to Di, "Quick, bring me a Stella before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a Stella. When he
finished it he said, "Quick, bring me another Stella. It's gonna
start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought
him a can. When it was gone he said, "Quick, another Stella before
it starts." "That's it!" she yelled. "You ba***d! You waltz
in here, flop your fat a**se down, don't even say hello to me
and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you
realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
Ian
sighed, "sh!t, it's started..."
